Sunday, May 25, 2008

Oil History Village? Not!

Here's one for all you "investors" out there in PeakOilLand. Just in case you aren't getting those stellar returns you were promised in your latest pre-IPO scam, ponzi, pyramid or multi-level nutritional supplement company "business opportunity."

How about us all investing in an "Oil History Village." Yeah!!!

This would be big fun. Or like my neighbor in Hawaii used to say, "Beeg fun Brudda!"

We can have old drillbits, hardhats, buckets of pipedope and other tools of the trade on display. Maybe a little shower to douse tourists with real drilling mud so they can get a taste of roughnecking. A splash of diesel in the face would be really authentic.

The foodpark can feature manifold burritos (burritos heated on top of the exhaust manifold of a diesel generator) and lunchboxes with weekold sandwiches just like the ones flown out to wildcat rigs by helicopter.

Just add a cup of "roughneck coffee" (4 cans of Folger's per gallon), a can of Skoal, swearing lessons, and a nosepicking manicure to give folks the real feeling of the oilpatch.

Or maybe a cool interactive simulated drilling floor funstation where civilians can attempt to throw the spinning chain and try to keep their fingers from getting chopped off. You could come up with a points system with points added for making hole and points subtracted for twisting off the bit and going fishing! Imagine the thrill of drilling into a high pressure gas zone without any blowout preventers and running to jump 80 feet into the cold ocean or sliding down the angel line into a patch of cactus in order to escape being burned alive! We're talking Survivor on steroids.

How about an authentic drilling mud "reserve pit" swimming adventure? You could let the park guests test their survival skills by attempting to negotiate their way across 200 feet of old drilling mud, raw sewage, abandoned sacks and drums full of caustic chemicals, 4 months of accumulated trash from a real drilling rig and varying concentrations of hazardous waste while swimming in oil soaked coveralls, boots, gloves and a hardhat. Do you think we should issue complimentary safety glasses and install eyewash stations at each end?

Maybe an "oil futures pit" where amateur traders could try to beat a Gordon-Gekko-like artificial intelligence opponent and experience the satisfaction of crashing the economy of a whole country or the buzz of getting arrested for insider trading?

You could get the park visitors some decent exercise by sending them out driving on the "back four thousand acres" of desert scrubland in Hummers purposely low on fuel and letting them enjoy a stimulating "reality show experience" by making them huff it back to town in the hot sun and then trying to carry a full gas can back to save their families!

What about the psychological drama you could create by letting ignorant tourists handle live samples of various well logging radioactive materials? A little Cobalt 60 anyone? What a fantastic way to help people bond with former oilfield services employees who were exposed to excessive doses of radiation. Nothing like a nice exposure to some thermal neutrons to give you something to keep you up at night wondering about cancer treatments.

Imagine the great entertainment value people would get from the boardgame, not to mention the 3D videogame. Why would anybody want to keep playing GrandTheftAuto when instead they could create an avatar, assassinate innocent indians and destroy the rainforest building drilling pads and pipeline easements? They could enjoy the administrative side of the oil biz with a "LandMan" avatar that goes out and gets unsuspecting landholders drunk enough to sign over their mineral rights! Whoopee! Or, best of all, an "Oil Company CEO" avatar that comes equipped with a country club membership, stock options, excort service expense account, corporate jet and congressional investigation subpoena.

I know, I know. It's a brilliant plan. But I have to admit I stole the concept. I read a May 22, 2008 New York Times article titled "As Oil Prices Rise, Nations Revive Coal Mining" and learned about a town in Japan, Yubari, that created their own funpark, "Coal History Village" which, unfortunately, "failed to attract tourists."

Hey, no problem. These guys were just ahead of their time. Never mind that the town went BANKRUPT due to the failure of this obviously ingenious plan. Maybe a little updated market analysis and recast Pro Forma Financials could whip their numbers into shape. No matter. They just picked the wrong commodity. Coal isn't nearly as fun as oil.

We could design a really awesome roller coaster and name it, are you ready for this, "The Plummet after the Peak." Just bend the track around to follow the Hubbert curve or maybe you could have different sections memorializing various countries' oil production history curves to give people that great nostalgic feeling of the age of oil. I bet the most popular part of the track would be the Russian history with it's two prominent humps.

Hmmm...What's that feeling? I think I'm turning Japanese! I guess I better get busy buying up the domain names and drafting the Private Placement Memorandum huh?

DISCLAIMER: the above information does not represent an offer to sell securities. Investors should seek independent counsel prior to investment. Past performance is no guarantee of future results.

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